there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
