everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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