I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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