So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
