so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
