forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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