This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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