I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
