Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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