I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize