I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
