Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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