The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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