I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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