if only i could text you this smell
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
