doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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