He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
