Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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