that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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