ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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