so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
