i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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