Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize