I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
how does that bad decision feel?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
