I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just found a bag of teeth...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I want a musical about memes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
