he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I looked at my own cervix.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
