if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
