she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize