do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
