Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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