I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
