Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
