so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
