i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize