i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
