and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
