If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
