He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
