After last night, I could never be a politician.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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