He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
