Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
