I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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