he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize