I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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