Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
