my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I pour the whiskey from now on
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
