i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
