i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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