We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Can you bring me the toilet please
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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