Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
