we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
it was like eating out sand paper
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize