When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
