my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
