He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
