You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
