If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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