I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
