just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize