There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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