my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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