yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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