I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Found your dick twin last night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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