My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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