Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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