If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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