I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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