From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
