i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
