dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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